I had been really sad and depressed for several months, most of 2014 I would say. Finally my perpetual crying got to Eric. The last straw was one night when he was at work (he works the 10pm to 8am shift for a company to help support the develop mentally delayed in their day to day lives) I called him crying and asked if he’d miss me if I died. The next morning when he got home he was so sweet to me in his worry, after some talk we decided that it would be worth it to move to an apartment that would let us have a dog. We already had Nagini but even though I do truly love our snake dearly there’s a certain level of companionship that she just cannot offer. The apartment we were at was quite literally the cheapest thing we could find in Monmouth and so Eric made it clear to me that if we were going to go through the hassle of moving, the place I found was going to need to be amazing! I got to the task right away, I looked on and off casually for weeks but it was hard. Apartments in the area do not usually allow for pets and all the houses I could find are above our price limit.
I kept looking though because I knew I needed a change of setting. I don’t know how many readers have struggled with depression but it is horrible. Everything sucks all the time even when you know that rationally it doesn’t, but it doesn’t matter that you know that because a depressed mind is not logical. Everything has the potential of making you cry, and anything that is actually sad feels like someone stabbed you in the heart. I couldn’t watch or read any news because that would just fill me with a hopeless sort of sadness, a kind of sadness that still hasn’t truly left me. Once on the way to a friend’s place I saw a dead cat on the road and that had me emotional for hours. My best friend passed away about two and a half years ago I think and that was probably the most horrible thing that has ever or hopefully will ever happen to me. Kelcy was her name and her kindness was without compare. I was in a horrible car accident when I was younger that landed me in the hospital for pretty much my entire eighth grade year, during that time and even long after this experience taught me a lot about friendship. Quite a few people really stepped it up but several also just turned out to be terrible disappointments. Kelcy though went beyond stepping it up, she was always just amazing and kind. No thirteen year old has time to put up with a wheelchair person that can barely speak but Kelcy always did. Even writing this tiny bit about her now has me in tears so needless to say in the throws of my depression I was a wreck whenever Kelcy came up. She use to drive a yellow Element and for a long time I would start sobbing every time I saw one and let me tell you crying like this certainly gets in the way of life. I’ve gotten better, I mean this depression is still a part of me but I’m better at controlling it than I once was. I have seeked professional guidance in the past and it really did make all the difference. The best way I have of controlling it is to keep life moving and so of course moving apartments is a good way of doing this.
The apartment I ended up finding was in the next town over, Independence. They allow animals and this was of course the number one need but also it was brand new. Butts had never before touched the toilets, the carpets had never been dirtied, and the paint was fresh. Riverplace is the name of the community as it is a few minute walk from the Willamette river, so this means our view is amazing. Pretty much all our neighbor properties are farms, one of which is a lavender farm. So it’s quiet here and it always smells great. It is in the middle of nowhere though so that can make things annoying. It sometimes can make me feel isolated but I’m quickly learning how to keep myself too busy to notice.
Like I was saying though depression is illogical. I still have my bad days. And I’m not trying to write about the solution or cure because there isn’t one but it does seem to me that loneliness is a major contributor to depression. Because as I’ve said depression is illogical it is completely possible to get the loneliness blues even when you’re surrounded by people. On the reverse it is also possible to feel completely satisfied being alone. Perhaps this is because the depressed person feels removed from them self. You know, like an out of body experience. Say you’re at a party that is hoppin with people for example, let’s say you even know many of the people. But as you listen in on their conversations they strike you as empty, when you look at their appearance all you see is tiredness and sadness covered with make-up. So you stop socializing, keep to yourself, and concentrate on your beer. As you watch yourself sitting alone in the dark, surrounded by noise, drinking your beer you just wish you could curl up in front of your tv at home without a bra and watch Netflix. You also know that if you would have stayed home though and done this though you’d be worried you missed out. There is no winning with depression.
Their is no easy cure, everyone is different. For me though, my dogs come pretty close to the solution. I love how cute and small they are and I love their reliance on me. It brings me purpose. Plus they are so amazingly intuitive. Last night I had a bit too much to drink and I got sad, of course Eric was great and cheered me up enough to get me to bed. This morning though as I woke up I just wasn’t feeling it. It got kind of late too, and I know Ed and Pepe wanted their walk. They scrambled around the apartment until they found my shoes and then put them next to me on the floor by the bed. They didn’t bark though, instead they jumped up on the bed with me and snuggled. They were so patient and good. When I finally did get up and ready they were beyond excited! So I harnessed them up, took them out to do their business (which I’m proud to report everybody did), and then they bounced up to my arms and we came upstairs. As we came inside I realized that Eric had already filled their food bowls before going to sleep when he got home. These are the small joys and we cannot allow ourselves to take them for granted.