Becoming a Cynic

They say we must live in the ‘real world’ but what’s so great about the real world? Everyday is a struggle. In the end though only one thing matters and that is whether or not we enjoyed our ride. At least for me though, everyday is still a struggle and it’s because for some reason I have to relearn how to enjoy the ride at least a couple of times a week. Starting the day off right tends to be what does the trick for me but the older I get the harder this is to do.

Problem number one is that the older I get the bigger my world becomes. Partly because this is the age of the internet and partly because I’ve started paying attention. I think it’s like that for most people too, I remember when I was a kid thinking that life would be so much easier when I got older. I’d get to eat candy all day everyday, never have to brush my teeth, and stay awake 24/7. Now that I am old enough to do all those things I realize that that the only kind of life those things will bring me is one of obesity, tooth decay, and constant delusions. Taking care of yourself truly is better in the long run but it is also damn hard.
Not to mention how hard it is to have others depend on you. It’s stressful in the most extreme sort of way. At the same time though it is something I was never taught to fear. We are constantly being told in our youth that we can do anything that we set our minds to and as long as we’re young we believe it. Our hearts haven’t broken yet so we believe that good things happen to good people. The only thing we watch on TV is kiddy cartoons so we have no reason not to have faith in humanity. Maybe 9/11 was the day my inner joy started to slowly rot away, maybe it was something more subtle like slowly watching people’s home lives fall apart due to parent’s getting divorced or put in jail or meeting death, or maybe it was more recently when Kelcy left this world. Maybe it was all of it, it’s hard to say. It happens to everyone sooner or later.

As our lives fall to pieces most people are less compelled to help others. As we age I feel like this diminishes too, our life gets closer and closer to the end and so we start caring less for others and more for ourselves. I’ve worked quite a bit in childcare and it’s crazy for me to think that innocent children are better suited for life than adults, they can be so selfish after all. Really though maybe they are just more direct. As we grow through life lying becomes an instinct and all the sudden it’s rude to speak your mind. It’s uncool to tell the truth.
Another trend that I’ve noticed with social media is that it isn’t ‘liked’ if you share good news, only bad news. I think it’s because it makes us feel stronger to know that others fail too, that we aren’t the only people miserable. If someone is having a good life then they’re egoists or full of themselves but if someone is having a perpetual hard time that makes them good. While I do agree that struggles make us stronger, let me assure you I’ve had my fair share of struggles, I do not agree that the lack of a struggle makes one a weak person. Even if it does I don’t believe weak people are bad.
I do not believe in god but I do still do think about the morels I learned in biblical stories almost everyday of my life. I think about how black and white it all is and I wish I could believe. I tried to several different times in my childhood with several different religions; Judaism, Mormonism, Catholicism, the Born Agains. There were always things I liked but a huge doubt never left me. So I tried atheism mostly to deal with my bitterness towards god but that never sat right either. It’d the three omni problem I learned in my philosophy classes; if there is a god he is all powerful, all good, and all knowing BUT he cannot be all these things since our world is so shitty. So I don’t wanna pray to a god like this, it makes me feel like I’m begging a bully. That is something I refuse to do.
Often times people say to me after learning that I was in a near death car accident and two month coma, how can I not believe in a merciful god. I find that is just ridiculous. The real question is how can people believe in a god that killed a young boy and a girl’s mother. And believe me. I’ve heard it be justified and forgiven but it just makes everything worse.
Again, I really do wanna believe and I wish I could exercise a bit of blind faith here but I can’t. Everyone has some shit to struggle past in their life though and if god is the only way you can bare it all peacefully then I say god bless!

Just to connect my dogs back into this, they help me fight back against the sadness every morning and they comfort me again every night. They help me not to worry or care what others might be saying about me or doing in the world. Their love is simple and it eases the daily struggle.

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