Late Night Research

So obviously if you’re reading this blog you must know at this point that my dogs are very important to me, they let me feel the responsibility of have someone’s life in your hands. I’m guessing that you probably have or have had an animal that is important to your life too. Those of us who can give so much of our heart to fuzzy critters, we must be different than ‘normal’ people. I’m not saying better and I’m not saying worse but we without a doubt think differently about life and love in general. We value both the give and take.
So what is it? What makes us different? I got really interested in studying the differences between introverts vs extroverts several nights ago and developed my own theory. You know those nights when you’ve had a late cup of coffee or tea so you decide to use all your energy to look up anything and everything you can find on a certain subject, and then you proceed to stay up until 4am researching it. It was one of those nights.

I have come to learn about myself that I am very much an introvert, not 100% though. It’s weird for me because when I was a kid I definitely would have thought I was an extrovert. It could be growing up, it could be the accident I was in, but whatever it was it’s certain that life has changed me. The way life changes everyone. Anyway, it’s called ambivalent to be a bit of both and I believe that a lot people are. I believe that’s why having animals to care for is so important to me, because like an introvert I’d rather stay inside and just do my own thing but Ed and Eddy force me to not only get up and take care of myself but to also interact with others. Though this can be draining I end up loving every minute of it.
One reason that social activity can be a burden is that I’m also extremely type A, or at least I think that’s what it’s known as, but after a bit more late night internet research I realize I fit s lot of the type B too. I often half joke about having OCD too, I dated a guy suffering from it and on many ways I can empithize with his struggles. It’s something I work on a lot and it takes a lot out of me. I become completely obsessed with unimportant details. If I go to bed, for example, and then suddenly remember my glasses are in the car I’ll immediately want to go check however annoying it is to myself or others. If someone says something incorrect I get an insane urge to correct them even when I know it doesn’t matter. I also read everything I see as soon as I see it, although I have stopped doing this out loud thank god. I am still too open with people about these quirks though, since I have a short term memory problem I like to just let people know what’s up as to avoid misunderstandings. I generally find this to be a good approach although people sometimes find this in itself annoying, and I have learned that trying to please some people just isn’t worth it.
Most party situations I find stressful and irritating because before I’m a few drinks in I notice too much to relax. I enjoy travelling and listening but conversation and eye contact are still difficult. I hate group projects and presentations although I’m not actually too bad at either. People just tend to make me really nervous. Except Eric for some reason, I guess that’s why I love him. I am very social once I become comfortable but that takes a while. I use to waist all my energy trying to be outgoing, I really truly did in high school a bit and afterwards, clubbing and what not. Society has really pushed us all to believe that we can only be successful if we put ourselves out there. We must extrovert ourselves in both business and social situations if we want to be useful to society. They tell us that we are only as strong as we are relevant and only as relevant as we are heard. So then loudness equals strength? Is our life really better if we’re popular then? Didn’t all those tv specials we watched as kids tell us no? That’s what I always got out of them. Maybe that was just the successful producers trying to weed out their potential competition though.

I was broken, in a wheelchair, and a nobody in high school. I remember my baby brother once asking me why I sounded different than “before I got crashed by a car” and I remember crying as soon as I left the room, because no one wants to be different. Most of my friends treated me differently and I could tell people on the street both feared and pitted me. My parents were great though, I think a teenage girl is hard enough without the extra baggage and existential quandaries.
I remember once during a car ride to or from some type of physical or occupational therapy my dad told me something to the effect of it’s uncool to care what they think. It really made an impression on me. Aristotle once said that we ought not do anything for the sake of something else, only for the sake of itself and this too has made a huge impression on me. It’s how I want to live my life. It’s why I studied philosophy.
I like both Star Wars and Game of Thrones and my favorite hobbies include reading, writing, and watching movies or soaps. I love a good story to escape into. I’m a geek and I guess I’m late to the game but I never realized that this was anything to hide until just like a couple of years ago. Let me tell you to that I wish I could go back in time and unknow it. Worrying about judgement is such a burden. I wish I could go back because I see now how right my father was and that I’ve wasted so many years worrying even though there was nothing to worry about.

I stumbled upon a meme once, don’t worry about it everyone is too busy checking their phones and oh my god is this true. It’s always true in every situation, don’t stress about how others see you because they most likely aren’t even looking. Everyone has got their own shit going on that’s troublesome enough without adding your shit to the pile. Friends and family love you and they want to be there for you but we all need to find the strength to do what we need on our own. That might be writing, or painting, or soccor, or cooking, or pets or even doing random research at all unholy hours. Or video games, they take a lot of hate lately too but do whatever you feel increases your quality of life. Doesn’t matter what society has to say about it, if it is something your heart wants and that makes you happy then it will no doubt increase your quality of life.


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