Commitment Issues?

As I have stated in a previous post I have been fascinated by religion all my life, and I have tested the water of quite a few. I have ended up as sort of a spiritual agnostic leaning atheist, as any epistemologist tell you though I don’t know know anything for certain. Actually the more I delved into religion and the harder I tried to develop a testimony the less I knew. As a young woman in the church or synagogue motherhood was a big subject, and I guess was the one aspect I never questioned.

Until I got older that is, started college and began to meet new people. I don’t know how it’s come up so much but I slowly began to learn that most of the ladies I knew did not wish to have children or at least wanted to wait until they were seriously into their career, with a house and money saved up. Seems reasonable.
Of course several of the girls I knew back home were getting knocked up. Some even married because of it. Facebook has been a non-relenting stream of birth announcements for about eight years now. All the pictures always fill me with joy, and sometimes even jealousy. It just looks like such an experience! Plus love is the most intense and rewarding high I’ve ever known so I figure since they say love of a child is unlike any other it must be a constant rush. This makes me curious. I have tons of little babies in my family and I love them all so much. Lately I wonder though if I’m personally cut out for it.

What kind of mother will a crippled and depressed woman make?
Do I have the right to gamble with a child’s quality of life just because I’m afraid to miss out on parenthood?
I know it’s done literally every day but does that mean I ought to too?
One thing our world definitely does NOT need more of is people. We are so over populated already and the only way that could change is if every couple had no more than one child, I learned that in my college bio 102 class. As it turns out though people are still having tons of kids! Kids are great fun and I’m all for it it, but perhaps it’s the responsibility of people like myself not to have any. For the greater good.
I’ve always liked the idea of adoption too, it’s like the ultimate method of recycling. It’s the responsible thing to do, really if you want a kid. If I’m unfit to parent adoption wont make a difference though.
On the other hand maybe I shouldn’t over think this.

With all do respect to everybody out there I hypothesize that my generations’ commitment issues come from a high divorce rate. Even though my parents didn’t divorce most of my friend’s parents did at some point in our childhoods and seeing lifestyles get disrupted like that does stay with a person.
Most people I know that are living that single life at this point are doing so because they don’t want to ‘label’ things. You never ‘break up’ if you weren’t ever ‘going out’. In my own personal experience though this can actually make things harder. Many people don’t want to commit to a spouse or serious partner because they don’t want to miss out if something better comes along but if nothing ever does you just end up alone.
Another huge part of that fear is a monetary one. With the economic issues our nation has gone through plus the amount of education most of us have had regarding it or even depressions and recessions throughout history this fear is warranted. It’s getting harder and harder to attain the ‘American dream’ and if we want to achieve it before we have kids then ya, it’s gonna push the timeline back.
Plus medical advances have come so far that we woman are able to have children a lot later, not to mention we live a lot longer. Also the rate of deaths during birth has gone down a very great deal so that health issues are not a huge obstacle in pregnancy or birthing anymore.
For me personally I know that I want to marry Eric because nothing about it scares me, he’s my best friend and I never doubt that I want to be with him. We’ve been through some shit already in our three and a half years together and I am confident that we’ll stick it out through sickness or health for richer or poorer. I know we’re over a year from the big day and that cold feet might still happen but as of yet I’ve never once seriously questioned whether or not I love him.
This is a huge difference from my last long term relationship, it was a strong relationship that didn’t end because of a lack of love. Rather it just ended because I had more doubts than fondness. They say opposites attract and I don’t doubt this at all, I know that personally I am intrigued to meet people with different values and ideals than myself. While it is a good habit, I believe, to associate yourself with people from a mirage of backgrounds I have come to accept that in a life partner it is most beneficial to share at least some core values and interests. Otherwise, again only in my own experience, every moment together becomes an argument or competition instead of a safe place to be. I knew that if I had become pregnant with my ex it would have made me crazy nervous, not only because I was much younger at the time but because we would’ve disagreed on everything from how to raise the child to what our wedding should be like to what we name it. With Eric even if getting pregnant wouldn’t be our first choice I know we could make it work without too much trouble. I know that when I’m with him I can be myself and that he will encourage me for the better, and that he respects my advice too. Best of all I know that for Eric I am more than just an option.

I bring all this up to make my point, I don’t want to have a child until I know I want a child because there is nothing else I want more. A marriage, while it is tragic to end one it is possible to disconnect from it if your unhappy, but once you have a kid you’re stuck with it so you better not fuck up too bad. I don’t remember which actress said it, but she said she didn’t want to have kids until she could focus one hundred percent on them and that’s how I feel too.
It’s like, I love my dogs so much that it’s truly unbelievable to me sometimes. They are my world and I try my best to provide comfort and happiness for them but I know that with a human child simply trying doesn’t cut it. With dogs, if I forget to feed them for a day or even two or if I don’t feel like washing them for weeks upon weeks it’s bad but if that happens with your human child it can get taken away from you or worse. A child is a true commitment, eighteen years to life and there is no going back. I don’t feel like I’m up for that much responsibility yet.

I feel like realizing this isn’t so much fearing commitment as it is being realistic about it. In our modern times, now that we ‘know’ so much I feel like it’s crazy not to take precautions. At the same time though it is true that sometimes we must just trust our intuition and jump on in. I don’t really know why my generation has such anxiety about trust, maybe it’s all the technology that allows us to know how shitty things are or maybe it’s all those vaccines we’ve had, I’m not sure. I’m going to have to choose and trust my feelings though when the time presents itself. Do what’s right for me and not just what society is pressuring me to do.


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