Lost?

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Sometimes I think about my adult years so far and I get down on myself. I didn’t do things the way I planned, and as a planner sometimes that can be hard for me to face.

My high school boyfriend and I were going to get married. He left on a church mission a year after we graduated and I went to community college while I waited for him. His dream was to open a concert venue. I got pretty into the idea of like running a bar or trinket shop too, so it worked and we had a plan. I studied business management and he preached, and when he got home we’d marry and open our venue. This went on for about a year. I’m not saying it’s impossible but it is hard to make a relationship work when you’re so young and so far away.

When it ended it was really hard for me. We had started dating at the get-go of our junior year of high school. We had actually first met when I was the new kid in his kindergarten class way back in ’96. The way he told it, he knew since back then that he wanted to be with me. It took him ten years but I guess he got what he wanted. We got reacquainted at a dance our sophomore year of high school, a dance that we actually both had other dates to. We got our friendship back up and running, and then I asked him to our junior homecoming dance. The greatest thing about it was that we already had the same friend base so everything was just really easy, it required very little effort for us to be together.

I don’t have any bad feelings towards him and I think he still respects me too, it was an amicable breakup more or less and now he and his wife have a daughter. Right after the breakup though I did feel completely lost. Three and a half years is a long time to be with one person, and being that I’d only been on one date before getting with him at the age of sixteen I didn’t even know how to date. I had spent almost two whole years studying a subject that wasn’t my passion and now here I was not even knowing what I really wanted to do. That was when I started smoking and drinking and being generally unhappy. Not at all am I saying that one needs a girlfriend or boyfriend to be happy, and not at all am I saying that smoking and drinking must always be symptoms of unhappiness, but I was lonely and I had no idea how to fill the void.

This is the mistake I made, I thought I needed to find myself. I thought I needed a new plan in order to find myself. I thought that until I found myself I would be lost, but I wish I would have understood that as long as I can be comfortable in my own skin I’m not really lost. Like I’ve stated, that took me years to do and just coincidentally I found my present fiance at about the same time. Like the old cliche says, I found love when I wasn’t looking. I found love once I figured out how to love myself. As long as I had in mind what I did and did not want in a mate I wasn’t able to value people fully.

That goes for everything in life I think, as long as you feel the need to close yourself off from certain people or oppertunities it will be harder to find what’s meant for you. Just do what inspires you and try things that call you, somewhere along the way you’ll find what you needed all along. I know that I strayed from my childhood ambitions, but I also know that I’m happier for it.

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